Smoking.

I've been smoking weed since Junior year in Highschool. Up untill that point I had been completely and uber prideful in the fact that I didn't smoke weed 'nor did I want to. I finally gave in when I realized my mom had been smoking weed for as long as I can remember and I justified it by saying that it's fine as long as I don't smoke ciggerettes. This has been my philosophy on the subject ever since. Since than many years have passed, I've lost friends, lovers, and jobs because of my habit of smoking weed. I never really wanted to admit to myself that I was addicted but I knew it was the first step to adressing the problem. That's the thing, I never thought it was a problem untill it was a big one. So here I am trying to find a way to take my focus off of smoking that bowl, buying that sack, rolling that blunt. I find it's not just smoking and getting high that I love so much. I think it's the whole process. Calling up my buddy for a sack, hanging out with him for like half an hour before I leave and matching a bowl. I think it's just knowing that I have weed to smoke if times get hard. What i've learned is that I can't rely on weed to "take care of" my problems when i'm having a tough day. What happened to the Paolo who found love in computers, music, cars, dogs? I dont' want to admit that i've lost touch with who I really am, cause I don't feel like I have. I do know though that i've kind've stopped my progress of life in this haze of marijuana smoke.

Lets get one thing straight though. I will never see weed as a bad thing. It's always been an additive as I like to call it. I've met too many cool people that smoke as a habit but still have fully functioning lives. It seems that pot smokers are alot laid back, they're just my kind've people. I just know that I can't have my #1 priority be weed. It just can't. There are too many things that I want/like to do. I can't just be high all the time and spend all the money I have and don't have on a plant.

So this brings me to my next point. Today. This morning. I'm going to quit smoking weed. Who knows, it might be indefinitally, it might be just for a few weeks. I just need to know I can go without it. Maybe after a week or two of not smoking i'll get over the addiction and just not want to smoke as much. I know it's going to be tough but I HAVE to see for myself. I don't think i've ever gone through with not smoking for longer than a couple weeks, so I NEED to. My plan is to not smoke, the short term goal is 4.20.09. If I feel like smoking on 4.20.09 I will come home from work that monday and smoke a blunt. That is it. We will see what happens after that but I hope that I can slow down. There are so many things I would rather have than half baked memories being stoned in my room on my laptop. There is just so much more to life.

Lets hope god is with me on this one.
out of sight, out of mind..

P.